This year has been both an amazing and a challenging year for me. I made new friends, saw a few new places and got an incredible internship opportunity. Everything was going great until I had an appointment with the gynaecologist. Then, I understood why people don’t go for checkups.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis, which is often a painful disorder in which tissues that normally line the inside of the uterus (endometrium) grow outside of it. I was so scared and I allowed fear to rule my mind. I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I just couldn’t focus on anything else anymore. This is not to say that I didn’t believe in God. I did! Heaven knows I did, but I was just too scared and the fear took me for a ride.
A month after I was diagnosed, I went through a procedure to confirm the diagnosis and what happened after the procedure was interesting.
I started reading about my condition and realized that I wasn’t alone in this situation. I also found out that quite a number of people didn’t even know about this condition and so I decided to create a platform, ENDODIARIES (@endo_diaries). I was going to create awareness and also to get people with the same condition to know that they were not alone. After all, it was just a page. How bad could this go? I could do this right? Far from that… I gave up on the page! Truth? I wasn’t ready to be strong. I wasn’t strong enough to hold myself together and here I was, trying to be strong for others too. People saw me to be this strong and smart woman but frankly it wasn’t true. Strong? Intelligent? Not I, I’m sorry. Find someone else for these adjectives and look, it’s not funny!
I love to listen to people but I couldn’t put to words exactly how I felt. All those I talked with told me, “be strong, have faith, He is your strength, be positive” and so on. Really, all I wanted was for someone to hold my hand and pray with me, someone to sit with me (silly) or maybe I just needed someone to slap me out of the misery I had put myself into. Huh someone? Maybe that was too much to ask for. People prayed for me but never with me…yeah.
I was afraid to share what I was going through emotionally (what was the use anyway), so I resorted to other means in my quest to let go of the pain and emptiness I felt. I talked to the people I wasn’t supposed to talk to and ignored those whom I knew would help me get back on track. Why? I knew they would have me deal with what I was feeling and guess what, I couldn’t even describe it, so…? I watched sad movies so that I could cry myself to sleep. At a point, I felt guilty, ashamed and helpless: a perfect recipe for sleepless nights. That was when I knew my life was slipping from me. In search of other things to take my mind off the situation I was losing myself.
I mustered courage, did a walk of shame and spoke to someone. Erm…this could just get better right? No! Once again, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). The doctor said, “This is real and can happen to anyone especially people battling chronic diseases but I hope you have a good support system”. Support system? Yes, I have a great support system but I didn’t know who amongst them to open up to. Plus as I always say to myself, “I don’t have to run to people all the time, I will appear as needy”. I was rejecting help and not seeking God. To add to that, I couldn’t pray nor read my Bible. In fact I drowned so deep in my worries that I forgot about God.
I was on YouTube one day, looking for a sad song (you understand me by now) but rather I chanced on a video by Priscilla Shirer titled ‘Stop worrying and hear God clearly’. I felt ashamed but at the same time I felt empowered. I broke down with tears. I cried to God to help me through whatever it was I was going through. Then I started watching a lot of videos and signed up for Bible plans on the Bible App. It was only then I realized that I hadn’t been doing my work; the work that I was being paid to do, neither was I improving my life in anyway by worrying. So I prayed and prayed and asked God to lead me and take over.
A lot of times we forget the word of God for our lives and also forget that His word is the light unto our path. The Bible states exactly 365 times (one for each day you wake up to) the words. “FEAR NOT”. Yet we give the enemy several chances to laugh at us because we entertain fear and allow it to cripple us. You know, when you feel like you can’t pray, that’s when you need to pray more. The devil wants you to move away from the will of God and he will use anything… even the situations which are meant to send you to where God wants you to be. I’m not saying praying when you can’t is easy. It is not, but ask the Holy Spirit to help you. Take it from someone who has gone for fear’s special ride. Now, I keep trusting God every day and i don’t live in fear.
In the same way the Spirit [comes to us and] helps us in our weakness. We do not know what prayer to offer or how to offer it as we should, but the Spirit Himself [knows our need and at the right time] intercedes on our behalf with sighs and groanings too deep for words.