Recently, I attended a women’s community meeting where another gentleman and I shared our thoughts on relationships. During the discussion, we were asked one of the most salient questions on commitment.
Why do some guys find it hard to commit?
Based on this discussion, I decided to share an in depth view with my readers.
When a guy is hesitant to commit, it literally means he has one foot out the door. He may have committed to dating to see if certain things will change but when it comes to marriage, he is uncertain.
In one instance, he is hoping there will be a turn of events, however, he is looking somewhere else. You know how certain ladies only find out later that their man is getting married to another woman after years of being together? That’s a clear example. Though it’s heartbreaking, a man who feels a particular lady is great but lacks certain attributes, will not be ready to commit but rather find those attributes elsewhere. One might ask
If that’s the problem, why not tell her? Please keep reading.
Sometimes, these girls force or compel a guy to commit to marrying them though he truly is uncertain because of things he doesn’t feel he can live with. What happens is that when he gets married, he either cheats or stays out late. He is married, but dreads it and stays as far as possible from his wife. To him, he gave her what she wanted; the marriage, kids etc. so that he can have his peace. But as we can tell, this is far-fetched.
At the centre of indecisiveness, is peace. A man likes to be at peace with his decision and know that he is getting himself into a peaceful commitment. Besides sex, beauty, support and a shared purpose and belief in God, a man yearns for peace. So, the question most ladies need to ask is,
Is he at peace?
He is probably a neat freak and can’t imagine having sex in a dirty room, and thus will not want to commit because the lady is dirty. He may simply be the type of guy who loves home chow and not being able to cook will be enough to keep him from committing. (Marriage shouldn’t be by force because you are dating, you really need to use the period of dating to find out if you are compatible).
Sometimes, a man may refuse to commit simply because the lady loves to quarrel and nag. Trust me no guy can stand this. I mean even the Bible says It’s better to sleep on the rooftop than to be in the house with a nagging or quarrelsome wife. A man may be with you for long, but will have one foot out the door because of the constant arguments. No one sees a burning house and says, hmm I will like to live there. No one visualizes the multitude of quarrels and nagging sessions and goes like, wow, I will love to be in the same house, forever and ever to endure this.
Truth is a lady can “force” a man to commit, but all will come tumbling down when there is no peace. All of this centers on submission. Personally, I believe that submission doesn’t mean for want of a better word acting like a fool or being a slave. Sometimes, submission is simply knowing when to talk, what to say and how to say it. The problem with many ladies these days is that they just don’t know when and how to talk. Some of the craziest problems in relationships are solved through silence. It keeps some men uneasy and literally bring them to their knees and if they love their women, they would be worried and yearn to fix things. Once you push him away with your quarrels, he is only going to head straight to the rooftop and soon, out of the house.
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Tried it all
Many girls wonder why their boyfriends aren’t committing. They hope that more sex, more support, more sweet words will do the trick in making him love them more. But all they really have to do is to sit them down and ask questions:
What is it about me, that makes it hard for you to commit to this relationship or marriage?
No long thing. You see, life is short, and rather than wait till nine years to experience heartbreak, it’s best to ask him now. A man won’t pursue a lady just to come to a standstill unless there is something wrong.
Sometimes, he might be the problem and has got nothing to do with you the lady. Maybe he is just confused, doesn’t know what he wants and is just going to waste your time in the process. Ladies, don’t beat yourself down thinking you are trash or aren’t perfect. If he makes valid concerns, ask yourself this question:
Can I bond with someone else or are these issues he is pointing out genuine things I need to work on?
If they are, accept them and resolve to work together on them. Of course, there are other reasons they may not have committed. Sorry to say but some men are just in for the sex and will not commit. Such a man doesn’t invest much into the relationship and honestly doesn’t love you. Once you start pressuring for commitment, he will move to another person who is ready to give free meals.
In another post, I will elaborate on what I want to term shady love.
Another reason he might be struggling to commit is that he is broke and can’t imagine starting a family with his current state of finances. If he is broke, he should be bold enough to tell you. Marriage is built on trust, and you should in turn, support him—not spoon feed by giving free money. Help him to find opportunities that would enable him make money.
At the end of the day, it’s all a matter of having healthy conversations. He should be ready to give honest answers as to why he can’t think of settling down after beginning the pursuit.